|Living in the House of the Lord|
|Hope Stories - Stories|
"One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life" - Psalm 27:4 .
Aimless and Desperately Alone
Before living a life with Christ, I was aimless and desperately alone in spirit. I moved through life almost robotic and somewhat unfeeling. I moved around doing what I thought I should do to make the least amount of ripples (trouble) in my life. I averted conversations that would be somewhat tense, passed on going to affairs that I would have to face people who had "issues" with me. I never wanted to disappoint anyone, so I over compensated and jumped into action just in hopes of staying one step ahead of "anything and everything."
The kids made it to their appointments, the house was as clean as I could keep it raising a family and working full time, and we always had our creature comforts supplied if I had my way about it. Many things to do, many late nights finishing up "living." Just as with so many people I know, there were things that got put on the side because time was of the essence and the things I could put off to accomplish other things screaming in my face were put off. There was no time for God and He didn't push me into doing something. Easy to put Him on a figurative shelf for some time down the road.
With all this said and with all the living I was doing, I wasn't sure who I was, what I was, or where I was going just that I was the mom/wife/friend/confidante/caregiver that was doing what I was supposed to be doing aimlessly attending to details. Keeping all those balls in the air was a virtual circus act. That is how I was. I was ruled by others. What they wanted or didn't want. I ended up not even having an opinion because my opinion didn't count as far as I was concerned. Only the opinions of those around me. I had to make them happy. I had to stop the "issues" before they even started. I had things to do, and limited time to do them all.
I was typical of all Jane and John Doe's out there in the world that chose to live a life out of the limelight while trying to remain in the backdrop of life just moving on until whatever. I didn't have to make any decisions that way. My life was mapped out for me by just about everyone else. Self imposed to a degree and yet imposed on by others too.
My Undivided Attention
Then my life changed. My son took his life, and nothing mattered anymore. The chores didn't matter, the bills didn't matter, what people wanted didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore. I found I was a shell of a person with no cares or desires other than stopping the pain inside my heart. No one could do that for me. I had to figure this out for myself and even the best intentions from everyone around me, left me with a hole. I had a husband that cared about my wellbeing, but what could he do? I had two other children, but they couldn't fill the darkest hole left in my heart. That would be like giving my love for my son to someone else. How wrong was that for a mom? I not only don't know his favorite color, but give his love away to others? That act of giving away the lions share of love for him I would pay for all of eternity. I was sure about that! How many times did Jesus come to me and I just left Him on the shelf? Then, Jesus came back to me but once again. He had my undivided attention.
A Life That Was Changed
Now I have hope, direction, His endless love, and a reason to live a God honoring existence. He brought me out of the depths of despair, gave me grace for my failings and sinfulness, and filled me with hope for life now and all eternity. He gave me a passion to live life with Him as my guide and a desire to do His will. I feel His love for me, relish His comforting ways and I savor my relationship with Him as my loving Father. I have found that the more love you give away, the more love you have. Being His hands and feet I can become a joyful servant for my Lord, and in the process I fill up with more joy than I ever knew was possible. I've put a lot of the "things" that used to eat up my time into perspective and everything seems to get done anyway. I've realized what was truly important, and one of those things was others demands on me. My Heavenly Father no longer sits on a figurative shelf waiting for me to realize He is there and has work for me to do that is going to be fulfilling for His plan and my spirit.
Do the dishes get done today or do I do them tomorrow morning when I get up early so I can go to a prayer ministry meeting instead? Prayer ministry first and dishes tomorrow. Do I shop this coming Saturday, go to breakfast with friends, and run to the mall for another purchase of something I really don't need or do I go and serve the senior citizens that call me a "young person" and cherish the time spent with them? I'll give up useless stuff any day to be God's hands and feet.
My heart just keeps on filling up over and over again. He blesses me every single day. And the smile on my face? It is only because of Him and the lessons He took the time to teach me because now my life is full of joy, happiness, love and Him. He has made my family/friends/acquaintances richer to me. I was not the only life that was changed. Those around me that live a part of my life have changed too. I love living in the house of the Lord and I look forward to continue living there for eternity, for nothing has brought me the greatest fulfillment but living a life in His hands.
Bobbie G., Illinois