Ron Hutchcraft Ministries

Desperate to Fill the Hole

When I was five years old, my Mom was on her way back to jail and this time they got her on bad enough charges to keep her for a while. It’s not like she kept us anyway. Her Mom, my Granny, did. I always asked God why He didn’t give me a real family. Mom never recovered from being addicted to cocaine. My brother was eight years older than me and he had a bad temper that resulted several times in stitches and bruises for me and my sister. We all had the same mom, but we had different dads. If my Dad is who my Mom says he is, he died when I was six. I never knew him, his family, or any kind of father figure. Mom ended up with "regulars" to support her habit and I struggled along through my childhood. I questioned where God was while my sister and I did without because Mom had a habit and Granny had means just to barely survive.

All the rest of my memories start the summer I was fourteen and I met a guy who was two years older. I dropped out of school at fifteen and he moved in with me. By seventeen, we were average potheads and I was pregnant, so we moved into a house of our own. Shortly after that, my Granny went into the hospital and never came out; six months pregnant I watched her suffocate when the machines were turned off and all she asked God was, “Just let me see to these little girls until they’re grown.” I blamed Him for her death and His disregarding her prayer.

While preparing for my maternity leave at work, we decided it would be a good idea to make up for the loss of my income for that six weeks by selling cocaine and any other narcotic we could sell to make a profit. We thought this was all well and good until we started "sampling" our product. While on a run to "reup" at my brother’s house, a guy he had dealings with came over and shot our friend in the head. My brother ran to his room to get his gun and we ran from the house. He was shot and nearly died. While running away, I fell, and as a result my eldest daughter was born about six weeks prematurely. She spent nine days in IMCU , and during that time someone burned down my brother’s house. I hated God for letting this happen to us because He didn’t love us enough to protect us.

Six months later I was lost more than ever. My boyfriend ran off for two months with our car and phone. Desperate for a way to take care of my daughter, I signed temporary custody to his mother which I thought was the best thing I could do in that situation. When he returned, we were deeper than ever into selling and doing drugs. The problem was that we soon stopped selling for profit and all our profit became supply for our own habit. One day I awoke in the bathroom of an apartment complex laundry mat to realize I was dirty, homeless, and missed my daughter. I decided to change and go to live with her at her Mamaw’s house. The problem was that no matter how much I changed, recovered, and set all things straight, there was still a hole in my heart that wasn't filled with all my "good changes."

The Real Difference

One year after a full recovery and living back in my house with my daughter and her father, I was still searching. I had a new job and distractions there started to pull at me, and I thought if I left that house I could fill that hole. Wrong! I left that house on a mission to fill my hole and learned that all I had accomplished was to stretch it even larger. Doubts over whether or not I had made the right decision gave me constant restlessness.

I never turned my thoughts to God because at that point I hated Him. I cussed Him and screamed how I didn’t believe. If He was real I demanded to know how He could claim to love me and watch me endure all that I had endured. My last conversation with Him at that point was to tell Him, “I don’t believe in You, and if You are there, I hate You. If You are real, I hope you fall from heaven straight into hell because I hate You. If You loved me, you wouldn’t allow all that has happened to me. You’ve ignored me and I hate You.”

I had begun to date a "Christian guy" and though I loved him, I made it clear that I was who I was and if he loved me he could accept it or go on. He started taking me to church and, for the most part, I was just enduring an hour. I sat there not listening and thinking of everything under the sun except the sermon. When we were dismissed, I felt that I had been set free.

He began working a temporary job at a ministry with his dad in Arkansas. During his time at that job, he worked at a community outreach event hosted by Ron Hutchcraft Ministries called "Community Impact Week". While visiting him, I attended the events. I guess the real difference in me started there. Though I had been circling in the Christian scene for a while, I was still the "old me" that couldn’t wait for a chance to break away because, “Man, I could use a cigarette.” After several nights of attending this multi-night event, the invitation was given and I felt stirred. I went up and bowed my head. I’m sure I had done this before and I understand that once you do it, it’s forever, but had I ever meant it?

Salvation isn’t a "just in case" backup plan so if it is real you have a safety net. It’s an acceptance of the truth and love of Jesus Christ, and I know that now. I also know that if you accept this as truth, there’s no going on as you did before and claiming faith by mouth alone. The difference when I bowed my head this time was the decision that this was the truth and that meant I had to walk it, not just talk it.

God Has Blessed My Heart

I’m not saying that I died to myself that night, rose, and never looked back. As a matter of fact, I’d say I walked backward! Going the right direction while facing the wrong way completely!

I know this to be truth: in the past year, I have put more effort into my relationship with Jesus Christ. In this past year, He has given me a small savings, great truck, home, and a wonderful job at a ministry. Those are the material things. I have the most wonderful husband in the world (remember that Christian guy?) who adores me. I have since had another daughter and my first now lives in Arkansas with us. Still, these are God's visible blessings to me.

I have a very bad temper, but I am slower to anger than before. I have never been compassionate, as my worries lay only with me, but now I cry over any "touching" situation or blessing I hear of God pouring out. I have been around drugs and I have resisted my urges. I have been wronged and wanted revenge; I prayed for that person. I have walked on people if I would gain a half step in my own ambitions; now I never want to gain at someoneelse’s loss. These things are ways God has blessed my heart.

I have learned that He loves me and if I place my burdens at His feet, He will carry them for me. God is providing my material needs, not desires, because God provides for His children. If a problem like that comes up, I pray and God answers. The changes in how I behave are because His teachings through His Word are in my heart, and when I see myself not behaving accordingly, I pray for Him to work on my heart. He does, and I want to bend to His will.

Now I see what I never saw before. God has always been there; He has always knocked on my door. I turned the light out and pretended not to be home. He was there during those times I blamed Him for His absence, but I didn't let Him be there for me. I accepted Jesus Christ and He will never leave me. He was there the whole time; He was just on the other side of my closed door.

D. K., Tennessee

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